Writing - 'show not tell'

 Room 13 has been working hard on our writing, trying to create a picture in the mind of the reader.  We are focusing on our audience and how we can engage and sustain their attention.
Here is one piece of writing which is a good example of our developing skills.  We worked together as a class to re-craft one persons writing.  What do you think?

The Haunted House

The clock struck midnight.  The full moon was out.  Lightning flashed across the abandoned haunted house.

I opened the old rusty gate and followed the bone dry path that was leading to the screeching dead stairs.

I started tiptoeing towards the old mansion and I tripped on a thorn bush.  I lifted my head and a broken vine covered statue blocked my way.  Around the statue all I saw were dead rats!

It started getting cold and the wind stroked down my spine.  Wolves started howling and the night sky was pitch black.

By Alexandra